Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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