tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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