i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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