I'm going to rape someone's good day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
