My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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