My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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