I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
