The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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