guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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