nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
