I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
