I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's always time for handjobs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices