I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.