I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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