It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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