well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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