I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
