I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
