something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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