I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
