My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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