The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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