When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i dont even know how to be here
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
