I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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