never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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