Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
