he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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