I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i think my cat just said my name.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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