i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
someone owes me an orgasm
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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