are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
