My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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