i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
