We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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