Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
