Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
