I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
