shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
