Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
