we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
