When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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