Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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