Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
