I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
