I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
