Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
