ya dads aren't the best wingmen
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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