note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
