I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
that's an acceptable place to lick
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
the liver wants what the liver wants
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
