Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
