I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
