somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
