I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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