They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
