I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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