Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
