i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
