i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
