dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
