I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
