I wish my penis had an off switch
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
