Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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