walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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