i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
