Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
