Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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